Trigger warnings (in text form): drowning, suicidal allusions, suicidal thoughts, self harm.
Since I’m 13, I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and what seems to be depression (undiagnosed). The need to kill myself is usually always present in the back of my mind, but manageable enough. Sadly, periodically, I’m drowned in a wave of depression that I can’t manage at all.
Since this month of May, I’ve been absent online as I was not mentally stable enough to allow myself any kind of trigger or surprise. It has been one of the hardest spikes of depression I ever got, and I even began to self harm again, something I haven’t done since I’m a teenager. I made plans, which is something that should raise all the red flags, and after isolating myself the most I could and letting time pass, I decided to give if another go, like I did before.
The sense of shame with this is deep, but at that point, I hate myself so much that I’m almost becoming numb to it. I want to stay alive to not destroy the lives of people around me I care about. It’s a very, very, very stupid martyrdom, but it feels like one.
I wanted to make a comic to exteriorize a bit how it feels. The first version was incredibly tacky. The second one was super cringey. This one is the toned down version, so hopefully it’s alright.
On a last note, if you are yourself living through internal chaos like this, be cautious. Don’t make plans, and if you do, force yourself in a safe place and get rid of everything dangerous around you. Don’t write suicide letters or anything akin to that. Tell people you know about it, even if you think you annoy them (worst case, even if you do: so what?). Try to convince yourself to get therapy (I’m still at that step myself). Don’t do it, as even if you are suffering, you will only scatter the suffering to others who care about you and want to see you happy and with them. Let time pass: after a week, a month, a year, you will feel better.
I know everything hurts, but you’ll manage. I managed it for 17 years, and I was only a kid.