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ZeTrystan
I draw, and animate a little bit too. Working in the video game industry, surprisingly! I like green, poutine, and long walks on the beach.

Age 31, Male

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Canada

Joined on 7/23/12

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Another Time

Posted by ZeTrystan - July 9th, 2022

Trigger warnings (in text form): drowning, suicidal allusions, suicidal thoughts, self harm.



iu_690468_4238024.webp


Since I’m 13, I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and what seems to be depression (undiagnosed). The need to kill myself is usually always present in the back of my mind, but manageable enough. Sadly, periodically, I’m drowned in a wave of depression that I can’t manage at all.


Since this month of May, I’ve been absent online as I was not mentally stable enough to allow myself any kind of trigger or surprise. It has been one of the hardest spikes of depression I ever got, and I even began to self harm again, something I haven’t done since I’m a teenager. I made plans, which is something that should raise all the red flags, and after isolating myself the most I could and letting time pass, I decided to give if another go, like I did before.


The sense of shame with this is deep, but at that point, I hate myself so much that I’m almost becoming numb to it. I want to stay alive to not destroy the lives of people around me I care about. It’s a very, very, very stupid martyrdom, but it feels like one.


I wanted to make a comic to exteriorize a bit how it feels. The first version was incredibly tacky. The second one was super cringey. This one is the toned down version, so hopefully it’s alright.


On a last note, if you are yourself living through internal chaos like this, be cautious. Don’t make plans, and if you do, force yourself in a safe place and get rid of everything dangerous around you. Don’t write suicide letters or anything akin to that. Tell people you know about it, even if you think you annoy them (worst case, even if you do: so what?). Try to convince yourself to get therapy (I’m still at that step myself). Don’t do it, as even if you are suffering, you will only scatter the suffering to others who care about you and want to see you happy and with them. Let time pass: after a week, a month, a year, you will feel better.


I know everything hurts, but you’ll manage. I managed it for 17 years, and I was only a kid.

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Silverdays

I am so sorry you have to go through that, its sucks and it feels like its not gonna get better
I get that feeling too a lot of the time making plans, I hope you feel better I can't promise things will get better but I hope they do for you, you deserve better please keep moving

ZeTrystan

In the same vein, I hope the same to you as well. Stay safe and try your best to heal (or at least, construct a web of security around you).

Foxcato

Don't give up.

Silverdays

@ZeTrystan thank you

Thetageist

The fact that you are still here and have enough of a clear head to spread good advice to others about how to keep getting through life means you are strong. I know you may not feel that way, but you have it in you to keep surviving all of this.

Take as much of a break as you need to, and we will toast to your good health whenever you’ve returned.

ZeTrystan

Yeah, definitively not feeling that way, but at least I didn't fall to it so I guess it could have been worse.

And thanks, it's nice of you to say. :)

fulminata

I'm very glad you are still fighting. There's no shame because you're winning the fight against the toughest person, yourself. And you're even trying to reach out to others to remind them that it's worth continuing to fight.

ZeTrystan

I really hope I can have a bit of a mental pause for a bit, ya know. That fight is getting pretty tiring.

Dieselpunk-Imperiale

For as much as hearing it from some schlub on the internet is worth, take care of yourself mate. Your art's always been an inspiration and a joy to look at. Especially your DND stuff. You've told a lot of great stories through your posts, but nothing's sadder than a story that ends before it's supposed to. Especially one as awesome as yours.

As far as advice, maybe try long walks on sunny days? Get it sounds generic as hell but I worked this one job for half a year that was within walking distance of my house so I walked there and back if the weather permitted. The extra vitamin D genuinely had me smiling at random and feeling a little healthier overall. It won't fix everything by any means, but it got me like 40% of the way out of this real bad slump I was in.

ZeTrystan

Makes me think, I should draw more DnD things. Mmh. Helps put my mind on something else.

And sadly, I'm sun sensitive, so the sun seems to have the opposite effect on me haha. But a walk on a grey day might be an idea.

ng-fan

Stop taking life so seriously, man ? Earth is a great and very beautiful place, however, at the moment 99% of the people are zombies who do not know what they are living for and the politics worldwide (99% of them) are the greatest dumbass idiots there are who makes everyone's life hell (more or less). It is just that the zombies are so numb, they can hardly tell the difference between living and existing ?

So stop taking life so seriously, clean up your body (stop eating poisonous bullshit, which is to say 99.9% of what you can find in a regular supermarket) - removing poisons from your body is extremely important for having clearer thoughts and emotions.

Stop meeting / being with people with whom you would rather not be - it is better to be alone compared to being with people who worsen your mood and drain your energy.

Start going out more to the park or somewhere with trees and fresh/cleaner air. You will see that spending some time in nature without thinking about anything in particular, watching the trees, clouds, whatever can recharge you greatly before you delve back into everyday bullshit most of which is unavoidable ?

I other words - remove as much poison from your life as possible - both from food, water and air and from relationships with other people. Whatever you cannot avoid - try to recharge yourself by going our in nature (at least this works for me).

The one thing you cannot avoid - your mind will keep nagging on you about all the shameful things you did and all the things you should have done. I wanted to die at least a thousand times during my life thinking about all the situations I should have done something else. But can you change your past? You can learn from it though and do better choices in every moment of your life. As for the opinion of other people - I suggest to not care about it. All the people you have ever met have done thousands of dumb things they would have avoided if they knew better. Even if some of them are "ideal people" - who cares ? Your life is yours, man.

As for psychologists 99% of them (with very rare exceptions) are dumb idiots whose only purpose is to put you back in the 99% zombie group. If you are depressed this is an indication (ALWAYS) that there is something wrong with your life and you feel it. The job of the psychologists to convince you that there is NOTHING wrong with your life and you are just a dumb fuck who is ungrateful for what you have. Usually these psychologists are the most messed up people of all...

If your are depressed THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG with your life and you are sensible enough to feel it. So I suggest to start cleaning up and removing everything that affects your enjoyment of life from poisoned food to every person that depresses you including your own family if this is the case. It is better to keep everyone at a distance until you have a clearer picture of your life and how you want to live it.

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